Thrive Boldly: Forgiveness vs Fighting Reality

Hand up - I am a grudge holder. I love a good grudge. It makes me feel important, righteous, like my morality is better than yours. But, oddly, when I was looking at my HRV and heart health indicators on my wearables, I noticed something alarming: when I’m in grudge holding mode my HRV goes low and my heart health scores also take a nose dive.

My Oura Ring asks, “Hey - What’s the fuss about?” It’s like the ring even knows better that holding onto grudges isn’t serving me. It’s putting on heavy knight armor which makes me feel powerful, even invincible. But the longer I wear that armor, the more it weighs me down.

Even my daughter gets it (maybe it’s genetic). She’s out of her head furious they blew up Kingda Ka. I get it. Something beloved, something she was looking forward to when she was a few inches taller - gone. No say in the matter. And now? She’s holding a grudge against an amusement park. (Between us, she now calls it “Six Red Flags.”)

Holding onto anger can feel like I have control over what happened, as if I can now dictate the terms of a situation, and even that I hold rank over the person involved. There's a certain satisfaction in it. There is energy - an emotional charge that momentarily feels empowering.  But, what if the grudge is controlling me?

Forgiveness: Stop Fighting with Reality

Here’s where the idea of forgiveness comes in - that after many years on this planet I finally deeply comprehend. Forgiveness is not about me condoning what happened. It’s not about saying - “Hey, it’s totally fine the way you let me down. It’s all good.” - when it most certainly isn’t. Forgiveness is letting go of the emotional charge that anger gives me – a cocktail of cortisol and adrenaline - that in the moment feels empowering, but clearly it isn’t good for me.

Forgiveness is stopping the fight with reality. It’s stop insisting they should have done this or they should not have done that. What happened has happened. The past is an unmovable mountain. It just is.

Forgiveness is the relinquishment of hope that things could be anything other than what they are. We accept reality— universally raw, real, and dirty. We let our tires spin in the muck of it all until they catch on something steady, something true, something that finally allows us to move forward again.

And when I let it go, stop arguing with reality, my wheels stopping their spin, and I truly forgive, it’s like releasing a weight I didn’t know I was carrying.

Acceptance is where my peace may begin. And once there, which may take 30 seconds or 30 years, I can plan my next move with honesty and wholeness for what my future will bring.

The Neuroscience of Forgiveness

Forgiveness is a decision that goes beyond the mind. When you forgive, you're actually making a shift at a physiological level. Research has shown that when we hold onto grudges or anger, our body is flooded with stress hormones like cortisol. These hormones affect our nervous system, suppress our immune system, and drain our energy. On the other hand, when we forgive, we activate the parasympathetic nervous system — the one that triggers relaxation and calm. This helps reduce cortisol levels, boost oxytocin (the "love hormone"), and promote overall well-being.

The Three Brain Model also comes into play here. When we hold a grudge, we’re often trapped in our head brain — overthinking, analyzing, and staying in a cycle of negative thoughts - and putting reality to the test. But forgiveness is about inviting balance between the head, heart, and gut brains. When we forgive, we connect to our heart brain, allowing compassion and understanding to take over. And we feel it in our gut, too, where we often carry those heavy emotions, as it helps us release the tension and discomfort.

The Recipe for Forgiveness: A Nourishing Pause

To support the process of forgiveness, I recommend taking a moment to nourish yourself with something grounding. Try these calming, restorative recipes to help reset and bring you back to the present moment.

Mung Bean Soup with Turmeric, Ghee, and Black Pepper

Ingredients:

• 1 cup mung beans, soaked overnight and rinsed

• 1 onion, chopped

• 2 cloves garlic, minced

• 1-inch piece of fresh ginger, grated

• 1 tablespoon ghee (clarified butter)

• 1 teaspoon turmeric

• 1/2 teaspoon black pepper

• 4 cups vegetable broth or water

• 1 teaspoon cumin

• Salt to taste

• Fresh cilantro (optional, for garnish)

Directions:

1. Soak the mung beans: The night before, place the mung beans in a bowl and cover them with water. Let them soak overnight. This helps to reduce cooking time and makes them easier to digest.

2. In a large pot, heat the ghee over medium heat. Add the chopped onion and sauté until softened, about 5 minutes.

3. Add the garlic and ginger, sautéing for another 2 minutes until fragrant.

4. Stir in the turmeric and black pepper, allowing the spices to bloom for about 1 minute.

5. Add the soaked mung beans (drained and rinsed), vegetable broth (or water), and cumin. Bring to a boil, then reduce the heat to low and let it simmer for about 30-40 minutes, or until the mung beans are tender.

6. Season with salt to taste, and garnish with fresh cilantro if desired.

   
   

Drink Pairing:  Forgiveness Tea

Ingredients:

• 1 cup hot water

• 1 tsp dried chamomile

• 1 tsp dried lavender

• 1 slice fresh ginger

• 1 tsp honey (optional)

Directions: Steep the chamomile, lavender, and ginger in hot water for 5-7 minutes. Strain and add honey if desired. Sip slowly, allowing the warmth and herbs to soothe your body and mind, and give yourself a moment of peace.

A Mantra for Forgiveness

As you sip your tea or enjoy a ball, repeat this mantra:

"I release the past. I forgive what I cannot change. I choose peace, and I choose to let go."

This simple phrase helps reframe your thinking, inviting peace in, and allowing forgiveness to wash over you.

Music Pairing: Zen Sounds

For a calming backdrop, listen to zen-inspired music or sounds that promote deep relaxation. Try ambient music with natural sounds — think flowing water, wind chimes, or gentle rain. This can help you cultivate a sense of serenity as you practice forgiveness and make the choice for peace.

By embracing forgiveness, we reclaim our peace and release the hold that grudges have on us. It's not about excusing what's happened; it's about stopping the fight with reality.

Now put that person, place or thing into a helium balloon, and let it go.