Thrive Boldly: Compatibility Isn’t About Liking the Same Curry—It’s About Integrity
- Carrie Rodarte
- 2 days ago
- 6 min read
Updated: 14 hours ago
You thought you were close. Ride-or-die. But then comes the 200th last-minute cancellation. You’re sitting at your favorite Thai place, sipping water, rereading the menu you’ve memorized, while texting, “No worries!” with the emotional energy of a soggy spring roll. Meanwhile, they’re at home, waiting for an Amazon delivery “that might come between 3 and… Tuesday.”
Or there’s the moment you tell a friend you signed up to a program at their alma mater—expecting a “That sounds right up your alley!” Instead, you get: “Oh... how’d you get in?” And, somehow you find yourself explaining, “Well, um, anyone can get it. You just have to sign up and pay.” (I didn’t realized we on a “stay in your lane” basis.)
At first, you think: Maybe I’m being too sensitive; maybe it’s just me licking some childhood wounds and it’s taking a few rounds of being hurt to believe myself. Or maybe they really are just busy or awkward or up too late with their dogs or new Netflix series addiction. But deep down, something doesn’t sit right.
It’s Not Compatibility. It’s a Lack of Psychological Safety
What you’re experiencing isn’t just a flake or a misplaced comment. It’s a misalignment at the level of integrity and psychological safety.
Most people think compatibility is about sharing the same favorite TV shows, Spotify Wrapped artists, or Myers-Briggs type. But true compatibility? It, as Maya Angelou says, is found in how people make you feel when you’re around them—especially over time. And that’s where the neurobiology kicks in.
Your Brain Is Wired to Detect Integrity—Even Before You Are
Your nervous system is constantly scanning for safety. Not consciously, but instinctively. Before your mind makes sense of what just happened, your body has already filed the energetic report.
When someone says one thing but does another…When they drop breadcrumbs of affection but never a full slice of presence…When they laugh at your wins or go silent when you shine…Something in you knows.
Your brain doesn’t need a spreadsheet. It needs coherence. And when it doesn't get that, it gets busy protecting you.
The Head Brain: The Analyst
This is your logic center—your executive function HQ. It’s tracking behavior over time.It notices when their words say, “I care,” but their actions scream, “I cancel.”It starts raising quiet, internal questions:
“They say they value me, but why do I always have to chase?”
“Why do I feel more anxious after we talk?”
“Why did they make that joke at my expense in front of others?”
Your head brain, when in balance, seeks alignment. It values congruence: do the story, the body language, and the tone all match? If not, it creates internal friction—a subtle cognitive dissonance that won’t be silenced with “They probably didn’t mean it.”
The Heart Brain: The Emotional Barometer
There are more than 40,000 sensory neurons in the heart—each capable of remembering, feeling, and learning.Your heart brain isn’t soft. It’s honest. It tunes into emotional resonance:
“Do I feel emotionally seen here?”
“Do I feel safe to be my full self?”
“Does this relationship feel warm—or just familiar?”
When someone shows up with inconsistency, the heart contracts. It remembers the sting, even if your mind tries to forget. The heart craves truthful presence, not performance.
The Gut Brain: The Oracle
Your enteric nervous system has 500 million neurons. This brain doesn’t use words—it uses sensation.
That flutter when you’re excited around someone? That’s alignment.That sinking, tightening, churning when someone gaslights you or disappoints again? That’s not “just anxiety.”That’s your inner oracle whispering, “You know this already.”
The gut brain is primal, ancestral. It remembers patterns before you even recognize them as patterns.It doesn’t need evidence. It feels energy. And when something feels “off,” it alerts you through the body.
When All Three Brains Are Aligned
When someone is full of integrity—words and actions in sync, presence steady, heart open—your entire system breathes a sigh of relief.
Your head brain says: “This adds up.”
Your heart brain says: “I feel safe and seen.”
Your gut brain says: “No alarms. We’re good.”
And that? That’s psychological safety. That’s nervous system compatibility. That’s the beginning of trust.
Your Brain Is Wired to Detect Integrity (or Lack Thereof)
When someone consistently cancels, gives backhanded compliments, or makes you question your reality, your brain starts flagging them like spam mail.
The head brain (prefrontal cortex) wants logic and consistency. It notices when words don’t match actions and quietly files a complaint: “This isn’t adding up.”
The heart brain (cardiac nervous system) tracks emotional tone. It asks, “Do I feel safe opening up to this person?”
The gut brain (enteric nervous system) picks up intuitive red flags. That sinking feeling in your stomach? That’s not indecision—it’s wisdom in digestive form.
When someone lacks integrity, your nervous system shifts out of safety mode and into protection mode. Cortisol rises. Your ability to be relaxed, authentic, and expressive with that person disappears. It’s not you being “too much.” It’s your nervous system saying, “We don’t vibe here.”
What Psychological Safety Looks Like
They follow through—or at least communicate transparently if they can’t.
They celebrate your wins without weird caveats.
They make space for your voice, even if they disagree.
You don’t walk away replaying the conversation in your head wondering if you said too much.
What It Doesn’t Look Like
Chronic cancellation with no accountability.
Compliments that leave you with whiplash.
Competitive vibes masked as “just being honest.”
Feeling like you have to shrink or shapeshift to be palatable.
Psychological safety isn’t the absence of conflict; it’s the presence of trust even when things get messy.
It’s Not Compatibility. It’s a Lack of Psychological Safety
What you’re experiencing isn’t just a flake or a misplaced comment. It’s a misalignment at the level of integrity and psychological safety.
Most people think compatibility is about sharing the same favorite TV shows, Spotify Wrapped artists, or Myers-Briggs type. But true compatibility? It’s found in how people make you feel when you’re around them—especially over time.
As Maya Angelou famously said:
“I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
And your nervous system? It never forgets.
The Real Compatibility Test? Nervous System Compatibility.
You don’t need someone to like the same obscure Icelandic band or drink oat milk. You need someone whose nervous system doesn’t trigger yours into fight-or-flight.
Compatibility is when your whole being—head, heart, and gut—feels calm, open, and safe in their presence. When you don’t have to overthink or overperform. When your trust isn’t misplaced. That’s integrity. That’s psychological safety. That’s the real love language.
So Next Time…
If you find yourself asking, “Are we even compatible anymore?” Try this instead:“Do I feel safe here? Do I feel seen? Do I trust this person’s words to mean what they say?” If the answer is no, it’s not a vibe mismatch.It’s a nervous system mismatch. And your three brains already knew.
Recipe: Golden Miso Bowl of Belonging
A bowl that feels like a hug. Warm, grounding, and trustworthy. This is the food equivalent of someone showing up when they said they would.
Ingredients:
1 tbsp sesame oil
2 garlic cloves, minced
1-inch fresh ginger, grated
4 cups low-sodium vegetable broth
2 tbsp white miso paste
1 tsp turmeric (anti-inflammatory, gut-soothing)
1 tbsp tamari or coconut aminos
1 cup cooked soba noodles or brown rice
1 block organic tofu, cubed and crisped
1 cup baby spinach or bok choy
½ cup grated carrot
1 green onion, finely sliced
Optional: a soft-boiled egg, if desired
Garnish: toasted sesame seeds, nori strips, chili flakes if you like heat
Instructions:
In a pot, heat sesame oil over medium. Add garlic and ginger, sauté until fragrant.
Stir in turmeric, then add broth. Simmer gently for 10 minutes.
Reduce heat. Stir in miso paste (dissolve in a bit of warm broth first). Add tamari.
Add spinach/bok choy to wilt. Assemble bowl: noodles or rice, tofu, veggies. Ladle broth on top. Garnish.
Eat slowly. Feel the safety.
Drink Pairing: Lemon-Balm Reishi Elixir
Lemon balm calms the nervous system. Reishi supports the heart and immune system. This is a drink you can trust.
Instructions:
Steep 1 tsp dried lemon balm and ¼ tsp reishi powder in hot water. Add a squeeze of lemon and a drizzle of raw honey. Sip slowly, preferably in a cozy corner with socks on.
Mantra:
“I honor how I feel. I honor who shows up. I release what doesn’t feel safe.”
Say it while cooking, eating, or when your gut says, “Not this person again.”
Music Pairing:
“Better” by Regina Spektor
“Someone New” by Hozier for a more playful, but still heart-honest vibe.
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